Teens Struggling? Give Them Free Dispute Resolution Training

It’s a particularly rough time for teens during the pandemic, isolated with parents and siblings, cut off from their friends, unable to race around town exploring what should be their growing freedom and independence.

There’s no time like the present for a group discussion of the conflicts that arise at home, with distance-learning teachers and, for those working delivery and other essential jobs, contact with a jittery public and stressed out bosses.

That’s why She Negotiates is offering a Free High School Dispute Resolution Training.

No, not like that

When all you have is a rock, you’ll use it

How It Works

I’ve not only trained business leaders and adults, college students and first year lawyers dispute resolution and negotiation skills, I’ve helped train middle school students to resolve their peers conflicts. And may I say that they are often better and more naturally skillful than the adults I’ve trained because they possess that unique skill - the beginners’ mind. They know what they don’t know and are not afraid to admit it. They’re not yet used to exercising power with threats of overwhelming the people whose minds they’ve decided need changing. They know the disputants know more about both the fight and the way in which they’d prefer to resolve it than they could possibly imagine. So they question. Listen. Make sure they understand the answers. Dig deeper and seek solutions from the participants rather than attempting to impose their own on the unwilling.

Here’s the process as I described it to my adult readers in a Forbes column years ago.

The Middle School Peer Mediation Process

Mediation is a process that is scalable - meaning it can be used on tiny problems (she keeps leaving her smelly gym clothes in our shared locker!) to large (Samsung stole my intellectual property).

The manner in which human beings tussle with one another over power, property and prestige is not much different in adulthood than it is in middle school and the process steps are the same even when the dispute is on an entirely different scale.

You do it step by step

Step One: introduce everyone; explain the process; establish an atmosphere of cooperation; respect; hope; and, safety. Step One of the Middle School dispute resolution checklist is a "communication" protocol.

Skyscraper contractors, airline pilots and surgical teams incorporate similar communication checklists into their procedures. When team members introduce themselves by name, group cohesion is increased; and, people's willingness to speak up if they see something going wrong grows.

Because people in conflict are both angry and afraid, the Middle School checklist includes instructions meant to calm fears and avoid outbursts - listen; cooperate; be respectful; focus on the goal of solving the problem; give assurances that the parties will be protected from emotional bullying and physical harm; and, express hope that a solution will be found.

Step Two: Define the problem by discussing what happened and why; summarizing everyone's narrative in an effort to harmonize the similarities and throw the differences into sharp relief for later brain- storming

Captain Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger, III -- the 57-year old pilot who landed his Airbus A320 on the surface of the Hudson River with the grace of a glider pilot -- repeatedly rejected journalists' attempts to elevate him to the pantheon of American heroes. In response to praise for his bravery, his wisdom, and his savvy, Sully remained adamant. The "miracle" wasn't his. It belonged to his team and to their adherence to procedure.

Step Three: Dispute resolution protocols require that each stakeholder is permitted to tell his story and to have his story acknowledged, summarized, affirmed or rebutted. We fail to include an interested party or cut off the "irrelevant" narrative of events at our peril. Every communication is not critical, important or "relevant." But some communications are. If we drop the stitch of the one containing the solution to the dispute, the entire effort fails. Step 3 Identify the Issues at the table by creating an agenda, using active listening skills, retaining an open-mind, asking all present whether anything has been missed and identifying areas of miscommunication or incorrect assumptions.

As long as one or more parties care strongly about some aspect of the process or outcome, that aspect is a potential source of value in the negotiation. So . . . "value" can mean a discounted cash flow. But it can also mean precedent, relationships, reputation, political appearance, fairness, or even how the other side's self-image fares in the process. Value-creation falls into the "win-win" or "non-zero sum" aspect of the process because value creation benefits all parties.

Step 4: Find solutions, in which the issues are addressed one at a time; the parties communicate their unique interests, and, how each proposal might satisfy one or more of them. No matter how much "win-win" value the parties create, someone must still lay claim to that portion of the "pie" to which they believe themselves entitled.

"At the table" tactics such as framing and anchoring; making concessions and demanding reciprocity; and, persuasively forwarding one's "case" for their fair share should be discussed by the in advance and checked off the list as the negotiation proceeds. Though each step will not necessarily deliver value to the "right" party, the failure to take any one step contains within it the potential failure of the entire operation.

Step 5 - Agreement and Closing - make certain you and your bargaining partners have the same understanding of the deal you've created and get that deal down into writing. What could be easier? Write it down! As someone who has mediated with adults as well as with Middle Schoolers, I can tell you first-hand that the stage of writing the agreement up is often the most important because it's at this point that you first learn that what you understood "three weeks" to mean is not the same as what your mediation partner believed it to mean.

When you've gotten far enough to reach agreement, it's the little details that threaten to blow up the entire deal because everyone at that stage is saving face. I've had parties reach agreement on a multi-million dollar settlement only to have the agreement begin to break down when Party A says I think you should pay the ($5,000) mediator fee. That's an attempt to make up for the loss of face experienced by Party A when he made the final concession that made him feel like a chump. Party B will always say no. Guaranteed.

It's here where the mediator steps in and assures both parties they worked hard, were more transparent and accommodating that anyone could expect business people to be, took a hard look at the problem, and had the menschlichkeit to step past the line of impasse to create a deal that is better for their clients than continued litigation would be.

Remember. You can take a person's money but you must leave them their dignity and this is true when you're dealing with the high school bully or with the CEO of Apple, Facebook, Samsung or Google.