The Importance of Selfishness
Nurturing, caring, giving, sacrificing are all words associated with the female gender. Not only do our sisters and brothers expect us to conform to these high ideals, we expect ourselves to behave accordingly. And that's a good thing. I've often said that women are the social glue that holds the planet together.
Women experience higher rates of poverty than men. In 2018, 12.9 percent of women lived in poverty compared with 10.6 percent of men. Nearly 10 million women lived in deep poverty, defined as falling below 50 percent of the federal poverty line.
We are tireless referees of fights among our children and our family members, settling who gets the last piece of pie or explaining Uncle Al's odd behavior at the Thanksgiving table to relatives demanding he never again be asked to a family celebration. If we find we've cooked too little food when the neighbors drop by at dinner time, we serve everyone else first, give ourselves a tiny dollop and say, I ate a late lunch or I'm dieting, please, eat up; it makes me happy to see you enjoy the food I put on the table.
The social scientists tell us that women in the workplace ask for less money (engage in less "claiming" behavior) than the guys do because we bring our domestic and mothering tendencies into the workplace, concerning ourselves more with the equitable distribution of resources than building our own little financial kingdom.
We don't want to be selfish. And that's a big mistake.
Think of Yourself as an Item of Value with a Market Price
There usually comes a point in my clients' compensation negotiations when their bargaining partner gets angry. The irritation is usually expressed in how dare you terms. You're asking for far too much. You're never going to make that much money anywhere. Recently, a senior litigation partner told a senior lawyer his firm was courting, you might think you'll be General Counsel at the corporation you work at now, but you won't. You'll never be.
[This angry outburst, by the way, was followed by a significant monetary concession made to apologize. My client came out of the negotiation just fine].
In addition to having prepared my clients for this moment (I'm surprised XYZ Corp isn't paying market) I always tell my clients that no one gets angry at a Porsche for costing $100,000 or at a house for being appraised at a million. It's your market value, I say. And if you don't get it this year, you'll be short-changing yourself until you do, if you can, retire.
“It's your market value, I say. And if you don't get it this year, you'll be short-changing yourself until you do, if you can, retire.”
When women think of themselves as a capital investment - which is what human resources are - it helps them get over their cultural conditioning to have modest expectations, to refrain from self-serving and to avoid seeking "special treatment" just because they're better than the "other kids" at what they do.
Elsewhere, I've written about the many ways to research and pin-point market value. Today, I want to urge women in the workplace to suppress the desire to be selfless and other-serving when it comes to compensation for their services. To embrace the "selfishness" of the marketplace.
In Business, It Pays to Think of Yourself First
When it comes to planning and providing for ourselves now and in our elder years, as well as for our children and spouses (who may well experience periods of unemployment in the continuing economic shift caused by the Great Jobless Recovery) we could all use a little dose of "selfish" as featured in Asaf Shani's Kindle negotiation guide, The I Win Conflict and Negotiation Approach.
This book's central message - you have to be selfish - gives short, cogent, example-based reasons why your bargaining partner is likely to self-serve and what you can do to off-set the devaluation of your own contributions. By following the prescriptions of this valuable little book, women can, along with their male colleagues, distribute value most efficiently while assuring themselves that they are getting as good as they give.
Replace Selfish with Enlightened Self Interest and Go for It
Engaging in healthy claiming behavior is not antithetical to the kind of collaborative, mutual benefit, interest-based, value-creating negotiation strategies She Negotiates recommends. Once collaborative negotiators create as much value as possible at the bargaining table, they still have to divide it among themselves. And "cutting the baby in half" has been bad for both genders since King Solomon suggested it as the solution to the most famous Biblical dispute to all time.
For women readers who recoil at the word "selfish," think about it as enlightened self-interest and exchanging value for value. With the tools provided in Mr. Shani's book, you'll be prepared to maximize benefit for yourself and your family while at the same time creating new value for your bargaining partner.
“For women readers who recoil at the word "selfish," think about it as enlightened self-interest and exchanging value for value.”
Put this little book in your back pocket the next time you need a raise, are seeking a promotion or are simply asking for a break on your dry cleaning bill. You won't be disappointed.