The Art of the Strategic "No"

You don’t even have to say “no”

I was sitting in the Judge’s chambers in the L.A. Complex Court with a dozen male attorneys, most of whom represented other insurance carriers, one of whom represented Exxon, the loyal opposition, and a couple of attorneys for Texaco, whose legal team sat somewhere in between the interests of the carriers and those of the petroleum industry.

The Judge, a prominent member of the Los Angeles judiciary who was presiding over this $250 million environmental insurance coverage case, was holding a status conference. At issue were 500 toxic waste sites in every Canadian province, refineries, bulk filling plants and service stations. Counsel were having a rare moment of collaboration to choose a dozen “representative sites” in an attempt to resolve all the coverage issues without unnecessarily examining each site’s unique histories.

As lead counsel for all the insurance carriers, I was sitting in the inner ring of lawyers with counsel for Texaco and Exxon. As we began, the Judge looked over at me and said, “Ms. Pynchon, will you take notes?”

The year was 1998 but feminism wasn’t invented to GenY. I personally had a feminist history going back to 1974 when I worked at a “radical feminist” (read “left leaning”) women’s center. I’d suffered the slings and arrows of opposition to women in legal practice in the late 70s and early 80s, by partners, associates, Judges and clients. I was a veteran at this.

“With all due respect, Judge,” I said, “I’d prefer if you’d ask one of the men sitting at the table to take notes.” The Judge reddened and I knew I’d said a risky thing - potentially alienating the judicial officer who would decide all of the legal questions to be resolved for or against my client, Lloyds of London. Fortunately, there was no transcript because I don’t think my client would have liked my courtroom attitude, no matter how informal the proceeding. I’d experienced more sexism in the London insurance industry than I had here at home.

Exxon’s attorney, alert to the advantage to be taken, said “I’d be happy to take the notes, Your Honor/” She smiled a quiet “thank you” to him for bailing her out of a difficult position. Then she turned to me and said, “I’m sorry, Ms. Pynchon. It’s true that we too often give the clerical tasks to women. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I’ll strive to do better in the future.’

Then she broke into a grin. We were “sisters.”

Yes, it could have gone the other way. Fortunately, it not only passed the “don’t anger the Judge” test but cemented a bond between us that lasted throughout the litigation (in which my client prevailed).

“No” is the most powerful word in your professional and business vocabulary

And you don’t even have to say it.

If you’ll notice, I didn’t refuse the Judge’s request. I didn’t say “no.” I just suggested that she make the request to one of the men in the room. This “strategic no” was not an attempt to be relieved of the “emotional work” women are too often asked to do (though I do hate taking notes).. It was a subtle statement of principle. As Tina Fey wrote in Bossy Pants

Amy Poehler was new to SNL and we were all crowded into the seventeenth-floor writers’ room, waiting for the Wednesday read-through to start. There were always a lot of noisy “comedy bits” going on in that room. Amy was in the middle of some such nonsense with Seth Meyers across the table, and she did something vulgar as a joke. I can’t remember what it was exactly, except it was dirty and loud and “unladylike.”

Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said: “Stop that! It’s not cute! I don’t like it.” 

Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. “I don’t fucking care if you like it.” Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit …

With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn’t there to be cute. She wasn’t there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys’ scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it …

I don’t have Amy Poeler’s machisma and you cannot say “fucking” in Court. Nevertheless, this tiny declaration that I was not there “to play wives and girlfriends in the boys’ scenes,” caused a similar seismic shift. I was saying “I’m here to litigate a $250 million case against the most powerful petroleum company in the world, Judge. I’m not here to take notes.”

And she never forgot it. I suppose I could have crashed and burned, but this time, standing up for myself and for all women professionals, earned a pretty f***ing high level of respect from the person I most need to respect me.

These are small stands we can all take in the workplace. They are the things that leaders do. They don’t wait for permission. They talk to everyone like they are co-workers in an environment that requires mutual respect and teamwork.

I’d love to be in charge of the firm’s summer associate or school-year intern events but I believe Scott would benefit more for it. He hasn’t been put in charge of anything and it will increase his profile in the firm, something he needs given the fact that he’s up for partner next year.

See, you haven’t said “no.” In fact, you’ve been a great team player, looking out for the welfare of your associate rather than trying to feather your own nest or advance your own interests. Though advancing your own interests would be well-played at the same time.

I hear there’s an opening on the Finance Committee and I’d love to throw my hat in the ring for that assignment. I can bring X, Y, and Z to that task and believe I’d be a net benefit to the firm serving there.

Move away from the Girl Scout Leader jobs of training, hosting events, interviewing, and the like. And think carefully about heading up your organization’s diversity or women’s initiatives. If they’re real and not simply paying lip-service to the advancement of women and minorities, go for it. But go for it with the goal of finally proposing actionable policies that will aid women’s advancement with data tracked and rewarded for success, or punished for failure. Otherwise, skip the window dressing and move into positions of power. You’ll be able to advance the interests of women and minority workers far more powerfully on the finance and management committees than you can by hanging diversity wallpaper.

With all due respect to those selflessly fighting the diversity/inclusivity battle.

Go. Do. Prosper.